Revenge is a Dish Best Served Bennot LukeWarm
by Vicki Vance
Summary: A (growing) collection of high school high jinx Jedi tales. Funny in an intelligent way, yet full of harebrain silliness. Each chapter is a short story told in radio-drama style, so read the summary for each individual story to know what it's about.
1. Pornstash

REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED BEN(NOT LUKE)WARM  
by Vicki Vance  
Summary: A high school high jinx Jedi tale. Funny in an intelligent way, despite the presence of a stash of illicit magazines.  
Time: pre-TPM. Obi-Wan turned fourteen three weeks ago. His friend, Kikel Manhal, will be fourteen in about two months.  
Author's notes: Thanks to the inspiration of my friend Casey during chemistry class and my friend Galaxylei over the phone, this is the fruit of my day-and-a-half labor. If it weren't for Casey, Kikel would be much different. He'd be much less of a goof-ball.  
Humor: Because it's funny. I mean really, what planet are you from? Hoth?  
Rated PG-13 You'll find out why. ;)  
Disclaimer: I own nothing so it's pretty easy to draw the conclusion that I am not making any profit from this.  
  
  
(A corridor in the Jedi Temple.)  
  
Kikel: Hey Obi-Wan!  
  
Obi-Wan: (cautiously) What?  
  
Kikel: Oh, come on, you're still not upset about the chemistry fiasco, are you?  
  
Obi-Wan: How could I not be upset? My skin still has lingering green pigmentation...  
  
Kikel: Aww, it wasn't THAT big of a reaction. You know, come to think of it, I would have liked for it to have splattered the people in front of us.  
  
Obi-Wan: Well, YOU certainly didn't get splattered.  
  
Kikel: Hey, when I handed you the water, I anticipated that you'd foolishly pour it into the acid and I shielded myself.  
  
Obi-Wan: You were supposed to hand me silver nitrate, not dihydrogen oxide!  
  
Kikel: It's your fault you didn't check the beaker.  
  
Obi-Wan: The beaker was unmarked!  
  
Kikel: Well, there's a big difference between water and silver nitrate. You could have tested it somehow.  
  
Obi-Wan: What did you want me to do? Drink it? Oh, that'd make a GREAT test. If my thirst is quenched, it's water. If I die of silver nitrate poisoning, it's silver nitrate.  
  
Kikel: Right! And I would carry out the experiment in honor of my dearly departed friend.  
  
Obi-Wan: I'd haunt you.  
  
Kikel: I'd hire an exorcist.  
  
Obi-Wan: Oh, piss off.  
  
Kikel: No, wait. I have something for you. (produces a book-shaped parcel) My gift to you. Happy birthday.  
  
Obi-Wan: My birthday was three weeks ago.  
  
Kikel: Happy belated birthday. You'll LOVE it. Trust me.  
  
Obi-Wan: Kikel, how long have I known you?  
  
Kikel: Not as long as I've known you.  
  
Obi-Wan: Huh?  
  
Kikel: Oh nothing. You were saying?  
  
Obi-Wan: How long have I known you?  
  
Kikel: About seven, eight years.  
  
Obi-Wan: Nine years.  
  
Kikel: Why are you asking me when you already know? (muttering) lazerbrains...  
  
Obi-Wan: (ignoring him) I've learned in those nine, torturous, agonizing, perpetually depressing years...  
  
Kikel: (blushing) You're embarrassing me.  
  
Obi-Wan: That when the words 'trust me' march forth from your lips with full and ill-deserved bravado into a conversation we might be having I generally put my guard up on full alert.  
  
Kikel: No, no, no. I'm serious this time. It's a good present.  
  
Obi-Wan: Yeah whatever. If you'll excuse me, I'll go to my quarters now and find the respite my poor little defenseless brittle psyche needs.  
  
(He goes away. Kikel giggles maniacally. Obi-Wan has taken the parcel with him.)  
  
~Five weeks later~  
  
(Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon's quarters. More specifically, Obi-Wan's room)  
  
Qui-Gon: Look at this mess!  
  
Obi-Wan: I was gonna clean it up.  
  
Qui-Gon: A stray animal could hide in here... You... don't... have... a stray animal, do you?  
  
Obi-Wan: No.  
  
Qui-Gon: Because I'm not one to forget the blob incident.  
  
Obi-Wan: I've told you a hundred times: it just wanted to find it's home!  
  
Qui-Gon: There's a unique and odd paternal instinct in you, Obi-Wan, and I get the feeling something is hiding in the many nooks and crannies this room sports.  
  
Obi-Wan: I have no animals in here. I promise, Master.  
  
Qui-Gon: (after a pause) Nothing living under the sink?  
  
Obi-Wan: I have no pets, Master.  
  
Qui-Gon: All right. I'm going to go meditate now. When I come back this place better be spotless. Understand?  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes, Master.  
  
~The next day~  
  
(Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are walking down a hall on their way to a sparring room when Kikel walks by them.)  
  
Kikel: How's your hand feeling today? Well-used?  
  
(he dances away)  
  
Qui-Gon: What was that all about?  
  
Obi-Wan: I don't know, but he's been making some comment about my hand every day for the past five weeks. (he holds it up for examination) It seems okay to me.  
  
Qui-Gon: Five weeks, around the time of the explosion in your chemistry class?  
  
Obi-Wan: It wasn't an explosion, Master, just a violent reaction.  
  
Qui-Gon: You got green goo all over yourself.  
  
Obi-Wan: It was Kikel's fault. He handed me a beaker full of water when he should have handed me a beaker full of silver nitrate.  
  
Qui-Gon: Well, why didn't you read the beaker to check to see if you were using the proper compound?  
  
Obi-Wan: It was unmarked, Master.  
  
Qui-Gon: Why didn't you test it?  
  
Obi-Wan: (grits his teeth) And JUST how would you have done it?  
  
Qui-Gon: Well, if I drank it and died, I'd know it was silver nitrate.  
  
Obi-Wan: Ingenious.  
  
~Several hours later~  
  
Obi-Wan: Whew! I'm bushed. Mind if I take a shower before I meditate when we get back to our quarters?  
  
Qui-Gon: That's fine.  
  
(Kikel passes by in the hall)  
  
Kikel: Does your hand have a name?  
  
Obi-Wan: (trying to stay calm) Kikel, I'm tired...  
  
Kikel: I'll bet you are.  
  
Obi-Wan: I've been sparring all morning with my Master...  
  
Kikel: So, you've widened your scope?  
  
Obi-Wan: I'm not in the mood to be teased by obscure references to the first war on Gamorr or the development of the nobility class on Malastare or all the other vast areas of knowledge that you have and I don't.  
  
Kikel: I'm talking about basic animal instincts here.  
  
Qui-Gon: Animal?  
  
Obi-Wan: (exasperated) Master, you know Kikel. I mean, honestly, do you really understand what he's talking about? His class reports are more intellectual than the teachers.  
  
Qui-Gon: He never seems it.  
  
Kikel: Oh, I know, Master Jinn. It's just that I was raised in an environment where everything around me moved at the speed of a snail on depressants while I was parsecs ahead of my peers, making me feel as though something was wrong with me when in fact I just more mentally prepared and able to handle schooling than other students and because of this feeling I've developed techniques to call attention to myself because that's the natural response in a situation like this and the way I do it is causing trouble, purposefully trying to outsmart my teachers - which I am successful at, I might add - and finally by developing a cheery yet cynical and also superior attitude towards our relatively pointless and meaningless existence that drives others up the wall.  
  
Obi-Wan: Yeah.  
  
Qui-Gon: I see. Well, we must be going. I was nice talki- listening to you, Kikel.  
  
Kikel: Bye, guys. Have fun.  
  
Qui-Gon: Is he always like that?  
  
Obi-Wan: Nearly.  
  
Qui-Gon: When is he not like that?  
  
Obi-Wan: When he's asleep in class.  
  
~A few minutes later~  
  
(Back at the quarters, the shower is in use. Qui-Gon stands in the doorway to Obi-Wan's room, musing.)  
  
Obi-Wan: (from within the shower) Tuning up. ...mi mi mi mi mi-i...  
  
Qui-Gon: It all seems to make sense. An animal could be hiding in here. It might be the type that is keen to bite so Obi-Wan's hand may be marked with teeth holes. That fits into what Kikel keeps saying. But I can't just search my Padawan's room...  
  
Obi-Wan: ...say it ain't so...I will not go...  
  
Qui-Gon: It'd be an invasion of privacy.  
  
Obi-Wan: ...turn the lights off...carry me home...  
  
Qui-Gon: But I must know what is hiding in here.  
  
Obi-Wan: ...na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na...  
  
(Qui-Gon starts to dig around the drawers of his dresser.)  
  
Qui-Gon: Nothing out of place here, although these boxers with the little pink hearts all over them worry me...  
  
Obi-Wan: ...boop boop sh-bop bop rama lama...  
  
(Qui-Gon starts to go through his closet. He passes a tag that says TO KEN FROM KIK HAVE FUN ;D and finds a parcel buried under a box of model parts and a pile of dirty clothes.)  
  
Qui-Gon: What's this? It has no air holes.  
  
Obi-Wan: ...prisoners of love...blue skies above...  
  
Qui-Gon: The wrapping's a little messy, as if done in haste.  
  
Obi-Wan: ...ven you got it...flaunt it...  
  
Qui-Gon: (starts to open it) I wonder if this is some sort of a present. His birthday was about two months ago.  
  
Obi-Wan: ...mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Force...  
  
Qui-Gon: ...  
  
Obi-Wan: ...it is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored...  
  
Qui-Gon: Goodness, this is horrendous.  
  
Obi-Wan: ...it has loosed the fateful lightning of it's terrible swift sword...  
  
Qui-Gon: ...  
  
Obi-Wan: ...its truth is marching on! Glory, glory...  
  
Qui-Gon: KENOBI!!!  
  
Obi-Wan: ...halle- what?  
  
Qui-Gon: KENOBI, START PRAYING TO THE FORCE THAT I DON'T KILL YOU RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THE SHOWER'S A VERY CONVENIANT SPOT FOR A BLOODY DEATH!!!  
  
(Obi-Wan, wearing a polka-dot shower cap and a towel around his waist follows the sound of Qui-Gon's voice.)  
  
Obi-Wan: What are you doing in my room?  
  
Qui-Gon: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH PORNOGRAPHY IN YOUR ROOM?!  
  
Obi-Wan: What?  
  
Qui-Gon: LOOK WHAT I FOUND HIDDEN IN YOUR CLOSET! (throws a magazine entitled PLAYBITH at him. Obi-Wan examines it and after two seconds his eyebrows rise.)  
  
Obi-Wan: oh dear...  
  
Qui-Gon: 'Oh dear' is right. You are in very deep fodder, young man, and don't expect to avoid getting swallowed whole!  
  
Obi-Wan: Master, this isn't mine.  
  
Qui-Gon: It was in your room...  
  
Obi-Wan: This isn't mine!  
  
Qui-Gon: In your closet...  
  
Obi-Wan: This Isn't Mine!  
  
Qui-Gon: Hidden from view...  
  
Obi-Wan: THIS ISN'T MINE!  
  
Qui-Gon: Along with several other magazines of this type!  
  
Obi-Wan: THIS ISN'T MINE!!!  
  
Qui-Gon: It wasn't well wrapped, which tells me you've USED it recently.  
  
Obi-Wan: THI- wrapped?  
  
Qui-Gon: Yes, in brown postal paper.  
  
Obi-Wan: Like... a... present?  
  
Qui-Gon: Yes, very much like a present.  
  
Obi-Wan: I remember yesterday when cleaning, I came across a parcel and I put it in my closet...  
  
Qui-Gon: Along with everything else, no doubt.  
  
Obi-Wan: (absentmindedly) Yes, that's how I clean. I like to live in ignorant bliss by hiding the mess in my closet. But that's not the point. The point is I found this and I didn't know what it was.  
  
Qui-Gon: (not believing a single word of it) Really?  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes, Master, I- Hey, what were you doing in my room?  
  
Qui-Gon: I had reason to suspect you were hiding an animal in here, Obi-Wan. And I found much, much more...  
  
Obi-Wan: I TOLD you already, Master, that I do not have an animal. And you have no right to invade my privacy!  
  
Qui-Gon: I have every right to! I'm your Master. I'm supposed to be a father for you. And I suspected there was an animal in here.  
  
Obi-Wan: What gave you that idea?!  
  
Qui-Gon: Well, for starters, you've taken in animals before-  
  
Obi-Wan: ONE animal, Master. Just one; the blob. And I took good care of it, remember?  
  
Qui-Gon: Until it shorted out the ceiling lamp and we were stuck in the dark and had to explain to the Council why there was a blob living in the Temple.  
  
Obi-Wan: They thought it was humane and I acted compassionately as a Jedi should.  
  
Qui-Gon: It was a BLOB!  
  
Obi-Wan: Blobs are people too!  
  
Qui-Gon: Stop it! I'm getting off track. Secondly, there was your room; you could hide a Hutt in here.  
  
Obi-Wan: It's not that bad...  
  
Qui-Gon: And finally Kikel keeps making comments about your hand and I suspected that the animal had bitten you-  
  
Obi-Wan: (wheels are starting to turn) Kikel?  
  
Qui-Gon: Yes, Kikel.  
  
Obi-Wan: (realization hits like a flyswatter to the face) Kikel!  
  
Qui-Gon: What about Kikel?  
  
Obi-Wan: (his eyes narrow) Kikel...  
  
Qui-Gon: It bet he knew about this (indicates the magazines). That explains all the hand references...  
  
Obi-Wan: (growls) Kikel...  
  
Qui-Gon: (stares at the magazine cover in thought) Kikel?  
  
Obi-Wan: (hackles are rising) Kikel...  
  
(Qui-Gon picks up the tag that says TO KEN FROM KIK HAVE FUN ;D and finds that it is the same type of paper as the brown postal paper.)  
  
Qui-Gon: (something clicks) Ahhh... I get it now. Uh, sorry, Padawan. I put two and two together and got five. I'm sorry.  
  
(Obi-Wan starts to leave)  
  
Qui-Gon: Where are you going?  
  
Obi-Wan: To pay my bestest ever buddy pal Kikel a visit.  
  
Qui-Gon: Why don't you get dressed first? He'll think you've gotten carried away with this PLAYBITH thing here.  
  
Obi-Wan: Good point.  
  
~Several minutes later~  
  
(At the door of Kikel's quarters. It opens, revealing everybody's favorite class clown.)  
  
Kikel: Hey Obi-Wan!- and Master Qui-Gon. How are you doing?  
  
Obi-Wan: (in an evil voice that would make even Darth Maul cower in fear) We've come to deliver a birthday present to you.  
  
(Hands him a small datapad.)  
  
Kikel: My birthday's not till tomorrow, but thanks, Ken. (reading it) It's... it's a citation.  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes, the presence of magazines encouraging illicit pleasures has been discovered, and although they were in my possession, I was unaware of them. So, the Council is punishing you. The fine for a minor harboring magazines of this ilk is one hundred credits and the fine for distributing it, whether freely or with charge, is two hundred credits. Since I was not aware of them, my charge of harboring them has been placed onto you. My charge stacks with your two charges, harboring and distributing, making a grand total of four hundred credits that you must pay to the Republic.  
  
(Kikel's face has fallen like a ton of bricks.)  
  
Kikel: You're kidding.  
  
Obi-Wan: Oh no, I'm totally serious.  
  
Kikel: (eyeing Qui-Gon nervously and lowering his voice) But this was an apology gift.  
  
Obi-Wan: Apology? For what?  
  
Kikel: For missing your fourteenth birthday and for the chemistry incident.  
  
Obi-Wan: (taken aback) Really?  
  
Kikel: Yes! Shit, I never wanted THIS to happen.  
  
Qui-Gon: Perhaps, since this was meant as an apology...  
  
Obi-Wan: Oh, no way, Master. No Force-bidden way! I have been the butt of his jokes during this whole time. The chemistry incident... the belated birthday... Then YOU explored around in my very own personal room looking for something without me knowing and you were totally mistaken in what you found... and... and... and... and I want him punished!  
  
Qui-Gon: Tell you what, Kikel (he takes the datapad and starts pushing the buttons) I'll erase the charges.  
  
Obi-Wan: -squeak!-  
  
Qui-Gon: So there are no legal complications.  
  
Obi-Wan: You- can't- he- you-   
  
Qui-Gon: And we will punish you, Kikel, as we see fit.  
  
Obi-Wan: HE GAVE ME PORN, MAS-  
  
(Qui-Gon cups a hand over his mouth)  
  
Qui-Gon: Sound like a good deal?  
  
Kikel: (watching Obi-Wan struggle and not daring to defy Qui-Gon) uh-huh...  
  
Qui-Gon: Now, Obi-Wan, behave and justice will be done.  
  
(Qui-Gon lets him go.)  
  
Obi-Wan: You know what I see to be fit? Charging him a lot of money!  
  
Qui-Gon: No, I think there is a better way...  
  
~The next day~  
  
(Chemistry class)  
  
Teacher: Now, class, we're going to try to finish the lab from yesterday. We should have finished it but Kikel got a little playful with the adhesive... Kikel? Why do you have duct tape over your mouth?  
  
Obi-Wan: Allow me to explain. You see, since today's his birthday, he's taken a vow of silence to further his view on society.  
  
Teacher: Right. And duct tape was the best way of accomplishing this?  
  
Obi-Wan: Yep.  
  
Teacher: Seems a little unhealthy to me...  
  
Obi-Wan: (shrugs) Like you said, he's a big fan of adhesive.  
  
Teacher: Well, all right then. Everyone please get out your iron (II) chloride sample and we will begin.  
  
Kikel: Hm hm hm hm hm.  
  
Obi-Wan: (quietly) What's so funny?  
  
(Kikel takes a piece of paper and writes: FeCl2.)  
  
Obi-Wan: What about it?  
  
(Kikel writes: take out the number and what do you get?)  
  
Obi-Wan: I dunno. What do you get?  
  
(Kikel writes: fecal matter.)  
  
Obi-Wan: Oh, very funny.  
  
(Obi-Wan raises his hand.)  
  
Teacher: Yes, Obi-Wan?  
  
Obi-Wan: Hey, do you know what happens when you take the number out of iron (II) chloride?  
  
Kikel: (as obviously angry as one can be with the restriction of a piece of duct tape over one's mouth) Mmm!  
  
Teacher: Well, the oxidation number wouldn't be equal to zero...  
  
Obi-Wan: No, no, no...  
  
Kikel: Mm, mm, mm!  
  
Obi-Wan: You get fecal matter!  
  
(The class laughs. Kikel bangs his head on the desk.)  
  
Kikel: MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!  
  
Student: That's funny, Obi-Wan. Good thing Kikel took a vow of silence today so your voice can be heard, eh?  
  
Obi-Wan: (looks at Kikel and grins smugly) Great thing.  
  
Kikel: Mmm mmmm mmm.  
  
Obi-Wan: I'll haunt you.  
  
Kikel: Mmm mmmm mm mmmmmmmm!  
  
Obi-Wan: Go ahead and hire your exorcist. I don't care. But know this, I'M getting attention today, not you.  
  
Kikel: Mmm mmmmmm'm mmm mmmm mmmm mm?  
  
Obi-Wan: Why couldn't I just fine you? Well, like Qui-Gon said, this was the better way. What a great punishment. I wouldn't trade this for... for... a porn stash.  
  
Kikel: M mmmm mmm mmmmm. (I wish you would.)  
  
The End 


	2. A Dead One

REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED BEN(NOT LUKE)WARM  
The fruit of yet another day and half labor. A little longer and more heart-felt than the first chapter. Concealed accidents can lead to Masters playing tricks on Padawans, as Obi-Wan and his friend Kikel learn. Both are fourteen.  
Rated PG-13 for language.  
Notes from me: you get my highest respect if you know where the idea of the prank comes from.  
  
  
(Late at night in the Jedi Temple Library in a dimly-lit empty section are Obi-Wan Kenobi and Kikel Manhal. They sit at desks with laptops before them.)  
  
Obi-Wan: (yawns) I'm so tired.  
  
Kikel: (typing on his computer) No shit.  
  
Obi-Wan: I can't write a term paper under these conditions.  
  
Kikel: You procrastinated, you Kowakian lizard monkey. It's your fault you haven't written it yet.  
  
Obi-Wan: MY fault? YOU'RE the one who decided to go bowling seven nights in a row.  
  
Kikel: Well, the girls who work there can't get enough of me! Besides, I knew I could write a term paper in one night. It's your fault for not knowing your own limits!  
  
Obi-Wan: You always dragged me along! I meant to do my work this week. But now because of your female fantasies, I have a term paper due in (checks his wrist chrono) six hours and I haven't gotten a wink of sleep.  
  
Kikel: Well, I'm done. So, you can read mine if it will help you.  
  
Obi-Wan: Thanks. (reads the monitor) 'Levitation Mastery Via the Force. By Kikel Manhal. The common approach to the simple task of levitation with the Force is to imagine the object in question being very light.' Hey, that's what I have so far.  
  
Kikel: That's all you have? (muttering) Stang, you are hopeless.  
  
Obi-Wan: (not hearing him, continues) 'So light, in fact, that it can float, and the object obeys this imagination-fueled mental command. This does not work for all beings, especially those with deeper understandings of the Force. Any being with even the slightest intelligence can imagine an object to be light, but a Jedi somehow uses the Force to make that object levitate. A Jedi's harness of the Force is just as important as the task he attempts to execute.' You've lost me pal.  
  
Kikel: Keep reading. You need the enlightenment.  
  
Obi-Wan: (continues) 'For instance, if there were a certain congregation of people who worshipped a certain god, they would not be worshipping the same god since, in their individuality, they each perceive that god in their own unique way, making the god they worship truly their own version of that god.' What?!  
  
Kikel: Keep going.  
  
Obi-Wan: 'So ipso facto...' Ipso whatso?  
  
Kikel: By that very fact.  
  
Obi-Wan: Oh. 'So ipso facto, the Force itself is perceived and harnessed by individuals who each have a different concept of it. Which is why I suppose we are given these philosophy assignments. Am I right, Master Farrel?' Then you made a little smiley face that's winking.  
  
Kikel: ...  
  
Obi-Wan: 'However, our different views are encouraged not only by our individual minds, but they are also hindered by the fact that we have physical bodies.' I don't believe this.  
  
Kikel: ...  
  
Obi-Wan: '...have physical bodies. We have all heard Master Yoda say "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter." Our vessels are partly an obstruction to understanding the Force. We will attach words to describe mannerisms of the Force...' The Force doesn't have mannerisms, Kikel.  
  
Kikel: Does it?  
  
Obi-Wan: Well, no, it, well, hang on, sure, um... Shut up.  
  
Kikel: You asked.  
  
Obi-Wan: (continues) Where was I... '...mannerisms of the Force when in fact the rules our bodies have should not at all apply to the rules, if there are any, to the Force. Those who do not believe in this theory-'  
  
Kikel: That'd be you, Obi-Wan.  
  
Obi-Wan: (angrily as he reads) '...have a lesser comprehension of the Force and therefore are unable to use it to their advantage.' You butthole.  
  
Kikel: Just continue.  
  
Obi-Wan: 'These are the beings who use the if-it-is-light-it-will-float idea when using the Force to levitate an object. However, a deeper understanding of the Force as shown by the Dark Woman demonstrates that a small faction of Jedi separate as much of their physical rules as they can from the Force. The Dark Woman has separated physical rules so much from her control of the Force that she has gone so far as to drop her physical name. Others like herself are teaching themselves the ultimate power of the Force that a weaker, undisciplined mind can not comprehend.' You're calling me stupid!  
  
Kikel: No, I'm not. Trust me.  
  
Obi-Wan: -grrr....- You know, I'm not even going to finish it.  
  
Kikel: There's not much more to it.  
  
Obi-Wan: There are five more paragraphs!  
  
Kikel: Are there? Oh, yes, I go on describing the differences between the way a mind controls the Force and the way a spirit controls the Force.  
  
Obi-Wan: Spirits don't control the Force!  
  
Kikel: Do they?  
  
Obi-Wan: Shut up!  
  
Kikel: Well, let me read what you've written. 'How To Make Things Float. By Obi-Wan Kenobi.' So you're going for the blunt approach? I keep telling you to leave them reefers alone, Obi-Wan.  
  
Obi-Wan: Huh?  
  
Kikel: (continues) 'When I was young and I wanted to make something float-' You spelled 'float' wrong, Obi-Wan. '...by using the Force, I tried to imagine the object being really light. Now, I've broadened my thoughts by imagining gravity to suddenly stop having an effect on the object. This requires more focus-' Spelled focus wrong, too. '...because you might accidentally make something else in the room float with it.' (scrolling down on the screen) That's all you have?  
  
Obi-Wan: yes...  
  
Kikel: What the Hell's wrong with you? That's ALL you can write? You're usually the wordy one.  
  
Obi-Wan: Well, I haven't got my thoughts straightened out yet.  
  
Kikel: Evidently. This is poorer than a flea who has seventeen little fleas at home to feed, a sick Mrs. Flea in the flea hospital, and he's just been laid off at the flea factory.  
  
Obi-Wan: Why all the flea references?  
  
Kikel: Cause you've got one right here... (pinches something out of his hair)  
  
Obi-Wan: Hey!  
  
Kikel: (studies it) No, my mistake. It's a tick.  
  
Obi-Wan: Well, what do you expect? I haven't bathed since this morning, I haven't gotten any sleep, I need to write a term paper that can make or break my grade in six hours, I need to go to sleep, I need to get a standpoint for my argument, I need an argument, and I want to go home!  
  
Kikel: You're such a whiner.  
  
Obi-Wan: Well, you're the one who's responsible for all this!  
  
Kikel: Me?  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes you. I needed to do my work and you knew I needed to do my work but you didn't let me...  
  
Kikel: When I asked if you wanted to come bowling too you could have just said no.  
  
Obi-Wan: Stop being logical while I'm talking! Because of you, I have nothing to say about levitation. And, because of you, I'll get a bad grade because yours is so good and mine is denser than... than...  
  
Kikel: Pudding?  
  
Obi-Wan: THAN SOMETHING THAT'S REALLY DENSE!!!  
  
Kikel: Keep your voice down. You'll wake the whole Temple.  
  
Obi-Wan: This is all your fault!  
  
Kikel: Obi-Wan, you're totally hysterical. Just calm down...  
  
Obi-Wan: No, get away from me! (throws a book at him. Kikel catches it)  
  
Kikel: I'll help you write your paper. Just calm down.  
  
Obi-Wan: I'm tired, unbathed, and flea-ridden because of you! (throws another book at him and hits him the face)  
  
Kikel: OWWW!!! That thing has corners, you know.  
  
Obi-Wan: (starts typing at Kikel's computer) And now, I'm going to delete your paper...  
  
Kikel: No! That thing took thirty minutes of my life to write! (grabs Obi-Wan from behind and tries to pry him backward. Obi-Wan blindly flails for the keyboard.) Take a chill pill, Ken.  
  
Obi-Wan: Let me go!  
  
Kikel: (tugs him backward hard) Quit freakin' out.  
  
Obi-Wan: Must... delete... superior... file...  
  
Kikel: I'LL write your paper for you!  
  
Obi-Wan: No! (flings Kikel off and jumps up from his chair) I may not have energy, or a calm mind, or a clean body, but I do have dignity, and I'M GOING TO DO MY OWN WORK!  
  
Kikel: Obi-Wan, I just want to help.  
  
Obi-Wan: No, you don't! (snatches a book from a nearby shelf and hurls it at Kikel)  
  
Kikel: (dodges it) You insane gundark. (throws another book at him and hits him in the arm when he shields his crotch)  
  
Obi-Wan: (gasps) You're aiming to cripple!  
  
Kikel: I'm aiming to stop you.  
  
Obi-Wan: Don't you know it is against the Jedi Code to aim below the belt?  
  
Kikel: I'll keep throwing books until you either quit freaking out or when you lie on the ground clutching your power packs.  
  
Obi-Wan: Not my power packs; I'll kick your ass!  
  
Kikel: Oh, yeah, well then... (puts his fists up) Put 'em up!  
  
Obi-Wan: (knowing that Kikel is a good fighter) Er, no! You put 'em up.  
  
Kikel: (pause) Mine are up.  
  
Obi-Wan: No they're not.  
  
Kikel: Yes, they are.  
  
Obi-Wan: No they're not.  
  
Kikel: Yes, they are. I can see my own fists, for Force' sake.  
  
Obi-Wan: And I can see your fists, also and they are not up!  
  
Kikel: Yes, they are, laserbrains. (stares at them obviously) Hey, look. I have fists. I never would have expected-  
  
(While Kikel goes on in sarcasm, Obi-Wan snatches a book and hurls it at him, but it bounces off his hands that are up)  
  
Kikel: Ha! I TOLD you they were up! Now, take this!  
  
(Kikel hurls a book at his head. Obi-Wan ducks and the book smashes into the head bust of the Jedi Master Millen Senyar behind him. The bust falls off its column and shatters into many tiny bits, causing a very loud sound that could easily be heard and felt even through insulation.)  
  
Kikel: hohhhhh...  
  
Obi-Wan: not good...  
  
Kikel: ...  
  
Obi-Wan: ...  
  
Kikel: ...  
  
Obi-Wan: ....  
  
Kikel: ...  
  
Obi-Wan: no way out...  
  
Kikel: (whispering) i think we should clean it up, obi-wan.  
  
Obi-Wan: No Way Out...  
  
Kikel: and then leave very quietly.  
  
Obi-Wan: NO WAY OUT...  
  
Kikel: oh force. we are screwed.  
  
Obi-Wan: yeah... Wait. We? Who's we? You're the one that broke it.  
  
Kikel: You started it!  
  
Obi-Wan: No, I didn't.  
  
Kikel: You're jealous of me!  
  
Obi-Wan: No I'm not!  
  
Kikel: Yes, you are.  
  
Obi-Wan: Nuh-uh!  
  
Kikel: Wait, wait, wait. What are we doing? Our hides will be the Council's if we stand here and argue in the midst of a shattered bust. Let's get it cleaned up and then run like there's no tomorrow.  
  
Obi-Wan: (gathering the pieces in his cloak) Don't talk like that. I want a tomorrow. I like tomorrow. I love tomorrow. It's only a day away...  
  
Kikel: Sh! Just get it cleaned up. I'll put the books back and pack up our stuff.  
  
Obi-Wan: OK.  
  
~A Few Minutes Later~  
  
Kikel: Right, all cleaned up. Let's split.  
  
Obi-Wan: What about the pieces? The bust can still be fixed.  
  
Kikel: We'll hide them in the gardens. I know a spot that's great for hiding this sort of thing.  
  
~A few minutes later~  
  
Obi-Wan: Now that that's buried, I'm going back to my room. I plan to sleep for at least one REM cycle, then I'll get up and finish my report.  
  
Kikel: I can help you.  
  
Obi-Wan: Of course you will. It's your fault, after all.  
  
Kikel: -grumble- Just go to bed, Obi-Wan.  
  
~Six hours later ~  
  
(Philosophy class)  
  
Farrel: Good morning class! Now, to start things off I'll alleviate a large chunk of your stress and have you pass up your reports now.  
  
Obi-Wan: We did a good job, right Kikel?  
  
Kikel: Could've done better myself.  
  
Obi-Wan: (too tired to notice) hmmm.  
  
Farrel: And now, to more serious matters. Last night, the bust of Master Millen Senyar was knocked off its column in the Library. Although the large pieces are missing, the dust and small fragments of it have been found.  
  
Obi-Wan and Kikel: -gulp-  
  
Farrel: So far, no one has come forward to claim responsibility. So, that means that when the culprit is caught, they were be punished without mercy.  
  
Kikel: We're hosed if we're caught.  
  
Obi-Wan: Then we won't be. We'll fix the bust and put it back after a couple of weeks, when things cools down.  
  
Kikel: I don't know if it will cool down. Millen Senyar was a very important Master of old, nearly as important as Master Thon.  
  
Obi-Wan: Master Thon? Was Senyar from the time of the Old Republic?  
  
Kikel: A little later, I think, by about one thousand years. You know how Odan-Urr had an academy on Ossus? Millen Senyar took a leaf out of his book and helped found the academy on Coruscant.  
  
Obi-Wan: There is no Jedi academy on Coruscant.  
  
Kikel: The Temple, stupid.  
  
Obi-Wan. oh. right.  
  
Kikel: So, all the historians are really pissed off that the only ancient molding of the likeness of Millen Senyar has been destroyed and Jocasta Nu is patrolling the Library, breathing down anyone's neck who even glances at the busts.  
  
Obi-Wan: We're gonna die.  
  
Kikel: No, we'll fix it and sneak it back in one night.  
  
Obi-Wan: Okay, let's leave it hidden for a little while longer. We'll keep our ears open for anything, agreed?  
  
Kikel: Agreed.  
  
Obi-Wan and Kikel: (they do their secret handshake) 'Silence I've got/ or I'll eat my snot.'  
  
~Later that day~  
  
(Two Jedi, Master Farrel and the teenager's guidance counselor Master Minanoka, speak to each other in the teacher's lounge.)  
  
Minanoka: You think Kikel is up to something?  
  
Farrel: Obi-Wan, also.  
  
Minanoka: Well, of course, if Kikel has done something Obi-Wan is always somehow involved. What do you suspect them of?  
  
Farrel: Spice.  
  
Minanoka: (surprised) Really?  
  
Farrel: It seems so unlike him to stoop so low, but I have my suspicions.  
  
Minanoka: Which are? Kikel is not a stupid boy, and Obi-Wan is not completely lacking in sense either.  
  
Farrel: Well, in my class this morning, they were drowsy, had bags under their eyes... they could barely keep their heads up!  
  
Minanoka: Well, your class is not the most thrilling subject.  
  
Farrel: Well, they usually take interest in it. It's broadens Obi-Wan horizon and Kikel likes to argue endlessly with me. But this morning they were not themselves.  
  
Minanoka: Perhaps I should check Kikel's hiding place.  
  
Farrel: Kikel has a hiding place?  
  
Minanoka: Oh yes. As his counselor, I know more about him than his Master probably does.  
  
Farrel: Your job 'eh?  
  
Minanoka: I am the ultimate Jedi meddler.  
  
~That night~  
  
(Minanoka is in the gardens digging in the exact place Kikel and Obi-Wan had buried the head yesterday.)  
  
Minanoka: Nothing so far. (his hand brushes something hard) Hello, hello. And what could this be? Glitterstim, maybe. It looks like ceramic. And here's more... and more. They're everywhere. And here's a... nose? What's a nose doing in here? And an eye complete with brows. Wait a second... This isn't... But it IS Master Senyar's head. Kikel, Kikel, Kikel, Kikel, Kikel. You are in deep sushi. But how to punish you? You certainly deserve it. Speaking of deserving punishment, Obi-Wan probably helped him out. I bet they were up late at night in the Library. They were goofing off and broke the bust and then hid it away. Phft. Cowards. Well then, I will have to strike fear into their hearts, and I think I know how.  
  
~The next day~  
  
(Philosophy class. Master Minanoka is standing at the front of the class wearing a very big fake smile.)  
  
Kikel: (loudly) A camping trip, Master Farrel?  
  
Farrel: Yes, a camping trip. The class will be going to the polar ice caps of Coruscant to live with the only natural part of land on this planet. There, immersed in the cold, cruel hand of nature, you will contemplate many a thought and hopefully you will advance.  
  
Kikel: But why Master Mononoke?  
  
Minanoka: That's Mi-na-no-ka, Padawan.  
  
Farrel: Because I am an old man and the cold is an ill environment for such a frail body.  
  
Kikel: Bull-  
  
Farrel: And now arguing, Kikel. At least not about this. If you want to discuss the formalities or lack thereof concerning the Force, you can meet me in my office after class. But you are going on this trip. All you young minds need it.  
  
~Three days later~  
  
(A cabin room in the middle of a sub-zero tundra.)  
  
Kikel: It's friggin cold out there!  
  
Obi-Wan: u-u-u-h-h-h h-h-h-u-u-u-h-h-h  
  
Kikel: You're turning blue, Ken.  
  
Obi-Wan: n-n-n-o-o-o-t-t-t g-g-g-o-o-o-d-d-d.  
  
Kikel: (rubs Obi-Wan's back) So, are you mentally enlightened as Farrel wanted?  
  
Obi-Wan: I can't feel my mental. I couldn't tell you if were enlightened or not.  
  
Kikel: Me neither. Feel warmer?  
  
Obi-Wan: I wanna kill somebody and then myself just so I can go to the fires of Hades.  
  
Kikel: Don't we all.  
  
Obi-Wan: Whom would you kill?  
  
Kikel: I'd argue Master Farrel to death, that's what I'd do. And you?  
  
Obi-Wan: I'd sneak up on Minanoka if I got the chance. You know, he was the only teacher to accept the task of watching us all here out in the middle of nowhere?  
  
Kikel: I know, what a bantha hairball. (cheerily) Well, it's night and the temperature has gone done even more and the best time to slow our metabolisms during sleep which puts us more at risk to freeze to death is now. (hops into bed) Nighty-night!  
  
Obi-Wan: I don't wanna die.  
  
Kikel: Neither do I. So get in here with me. One Jedi under a blanket froze. But two Jedi under the same blanket survived the night.  
  
Obi-Wan: OK... (gets into bed) You're hogging the blankets.  
  
Kikel: So I am. Okay, you icecube, here you go.  
  
Obi-Wan: Thanks, Kik.  
  
Kikel: G'night, Ken.  
  
~Early the next morning~  
  
Kikel: (just woke up) Ken?  
  
Obi-Wan: -grunt?-  
  
Kikel: Are you still alive?  
  
Obi-Wan: Let me check. (breathes out and watches his breath fog up in the cold air) Yeah. How about you?  
  
Kikel: I think so, but what is this cold thing? It couldn't possibly be you-  
  
(flips on a nightlight. There is a large head in bed between their own heads)  
  
Obi-Wan and Kikel: AAARRRGGGHHH!!!  
  
(they exit speediously down the steps, never touching a single one, all the while screaming bloody murder)  
  
Obi-Wan and Kikel: BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER!!!  
  
(they arrive at the downstairs cafeteria where Minanoka is waiting for them)  
  
Obi-Wan: THERE'S A DEAD PERSON IN OUR BED!!!  
  
Kikel: IT WAS A MAN'S HEAD! A DEAD ONE!   
  
Minanoka: (laughing) I caught you two! I know exactly what you did!  
  
Obi-Wan: (eyes widen) -meep!-  
  
Kikel: BUT WE DIDN'T KILL HIM!  
  
(Obi-Wan passes out)  
  
Kikel: (doesn't notice) I SAW HIM! YOU WEREN'T THERE!  
  
Minanoka: Oh, he's out cold.  
  
Kikel: THAT'S NOT FUNNY! OBI-WAN?! DON'T DIE. IT'S OKAY BUDDY, WE DIDN'T KILL HIM. WE'LL GET OUT OF IT SOMEHOW. DON'T DIE!!!  
  
Obi-Wan: dead person... bed... (wakes up) Kikel, I can't feel my body.  
  
Minanoka: That's because the only thing between you and ice is a thin wooden floor.  
  
Obi-Wan: oh. (pause) THERE'S A DEAD PERSON IN OUR BED!!!  
  
Minanoka: Stop panicking, you two. (helps him up) That wasn't a dead person.  
  
Kikel: Yes, it was. He was dead and cold and wasn't moving and he didn't even have a body! Most beings need their heads to live.  
  
Minanoka: Do you know who Millen Senyar is?  
  
Obi-Wan: (still woozy) Never met him.  
  
Kikel: (pause) no way out.  
  
Minanoka: I knew you guys had a big assignment in Master Farrel's house, so you'd be in the Library.  
  
Kikel: no way out.  
  
Minanoka: I knew I had something to suspect when Farrel thought you guys appeared very tired he thought were doing spice.  
  
Kikel: no way out.  
  
Minanoka: I knew the head was broken during that night, that very night that you would be writing your reports.  
  
Kikel: no way out.  
  
Minanoka: No doubt you two would be together because Obi-Wan has difficulty in that class and you wiz-bang through all subjects, Kikel  
  
Kikel: no way out.  
  
Minanoka: I found the head in your hiding spot, Kikel.  
  
Kikel: one way out- (passes out)  
  
(Obi-Wan stands all alone, having the appearance of a melting snowman)  
  
Minanoka: Hmmm. You guys don't handle confrontations well, do you?  
  
Obi-Wan: No sir.  
  
Minanoka: You're awfully well-behaved by yourself.  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes sir.  
  
Minanoka: Don't worry, I won't hurt you, Obi-Wan.  
  
Obi-Wan: No sir.  
  
Minanoka: What do you mean, 'no sir'?  
  
Obi-Wan: Because I'm going to pass out too in a moment, because two Jedi under the same blanket survived but then I'll wake up and either I'll be dead and warming up or I'll be at the mercy of the Council and that hurts. (he lies down next to Kikel) Goodnight, Master Minanoka, sir. And please, don't stick dead people in beds anymore. Put them in the ground.  
  
(he goes limp)  
  
~The next day~  
  
Qui-Gon: Disappointing.  
  
Brenner: Very disappointing.  
  
Kikel: I'm sorry, Master.  
  
Qui-Gon: Why didn't you just admit it?  
  
Obi-Wan: We were scared Master.  
  
Brenner: A Jedi should never be scared, young Obi-Wan.  
  
Obi-Wan: I know, Master Brenner, but I was so tired and I wanted to write my report and then go to bed, that's all.  
  
Kikel: But then I kind of interfered and we effectively dug our own graves.  
  
Obi-Wan: And it was cruel of Master Minanoka to do that to us! I thought I was going to freeze to death and he goes and plants that bust that he repaired in our bed. And then he said he knew what we had done and I thought he meant he believed we had killed the guy in our bed.  
  
Qui-Gon: It was to keep you from doing that again, Obi-Wan.  
  
Obi-Wan: You think I'd do that again?! I didn't even want to do it in the first place!  
  
Kikel: If I may say so, Masters, it was all my fault.  
  
Obi-Wan: ...?  
  
Kikel: I distracted Obi-Wan all week so he was stuck writing his entire report that night. And I teased him with my own report, which was finished. I purposefully ran his temper for my own amusement. And, by my hand, I broke the bust. And it was my idea to hide the pieces in my hiding spot. In fact, it was Obi-Wan's idea to try to put it back together. He meant well, so don't punish him. Punish me.  
  
Obi-Wan: ... Kikel... I...  
  
Qui-Gon: Kikel, that's very noble of you, and I sense you are telling the truth. But, you two knew of something important and you kept your mouths shut anyhow.  
  
Brenner: And you acted like sissies when confronted by Minanoka.  
  
Qui-Gon: We shall let the punishment fit the crime. You will report to the Library and Jocasta Nu will give you your punishment.  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes Master.  
  
Brenner: Now go.  
  
(the Padawans bow and leave)  
  
Kikel: Do you think we'll be all right?  
  
Obi-Wan: I don't know. Jocasta is usually nice to me 'cause I'm always in the Library, but now she may eat me alive.  
  
Kikel: I know she doesn't like me that much.  
  
Obi-Wan: Cause you know everything already?  
  
Kikel: Just about.  
  
Obi-Wan: Chances are, we are in for the torture of our lives.  
  
~That night ~  
  
(two exhausted young Jedi exit the Library)  
  
Kikel: Force have mercy on us.  
  
Obi-Wan: It wasn't that bad.  
  
Kikel: YOU didn't have to dust all the books.  
  
Obi-Wan: I had to put them back in their designated spots after you displaced them all.  
  
Kikel: Well, YOU didn't have to polish all the busts.  
  
Obi-Wan: I had to sit in Madam Nu's office and help her file documents. Do you know what that place smells like?  
  
Kikel: Well, YOU didn't have to mop the floor.  
  
Obi-Wan: YOU'RE the one with the dirty shoes, idiot.  
  
Kikel: You too.  
  
Obi-Wan: Nuh-uh!  
  
Kikel: Yeah-huh!  
  
Obi-Wan: No!  
  
(they start to push each other)  
  
Kikel: You got off easy!  
  
Obi-Wan: I worked as long as you did!  
  
Kikel: You didn't work half as hard as I did.  
  
Obi-Wan: Nuh-uh!  
  
Kikel: Yeah-huh!  
  
(Obi-Wan tackles Kikel and they grapple. Both smash into the base a decorative statue. They freeze, still clutching at each other. As the statue wobbles dangerously over them, they pull each other into a protective hug. The statue totters for a bit, then stills.)  
  
Obi-Wan and Kikel: whew.  
  
Kikel: (lets him go) Gettoff me. You're getting all mushy like a girl.  
  
Obi-Wan: (gets up) Oh by the way, that was nice of you, taking the blame and all.  
  
Kikel: (gruffly) Yeah, well, let's leave while we're still alive.  
  
Obi-Wan: OK, Kik.  
  
Kikel: Oh, and Ken?  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes?  
  
Kikel: You're welcome.  
  
The End.  
  
Awww... how sweet... 


	3. No Ticket

REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED BEN(NOT LUKE)WARM  
by Vicki Vance  
Summary: Revenge is not limited to one's peers, as Obi-Wan and Kikel learn.  
PG-13 for languages and innuendo (not to mention flat-out statements!)  
Disclaimer: I still own nothing. I am still not making any money from this.  
  
  
(Early evening at the Jedi Temple. There is a knock at Obi-Wan's door.)  
  
Kikel: Hey Obi-Wan! I've got a present for us.  
  
(no answer. Kikel knocks again)  
  
Kikel: Hey! Open up! You'll like it!  
  
(still no answer. Kikel pushes the panel and opens the door and walks right in.)  
  
Kikel: Obi-Wan?! Where are you?  
  
Obi-Wan: -grumble?-  
  
Kikel: Ken?  
  
Obi-Wan: wot?  
  
Kikel: Where are you?  
  
Obi-Wan: here.  
  
Kikel: Where's here?  
  
Obi-Wan: i dunno.  
  
Kikel: (going to his room) What are you doing?  
  
Obi-Wan: sleeping.  
  
Kikel: You can't be sleeping, you're talking.  
  
Obi-Wan: i'm talking in my sleep.  
  
Kikel: You can't talk in your sleep when you're awake!  
  
Obi-Wan: i'm not awake.  
  
Kikel: Yes, you are.  
  
Obi-Wan: no, i'm asleep and dreaming about valkyries.  
  
Kikel: What?  
  
Obi-Wan: mmm... snuggle in bosom...  
  
Kikel: Come on Obi-Wan! I know you're awake!  
  
Obi-Wan: i'm sleeping.  
  
Kikel: The one night your Master is out late and you take advantage of it by sleeping?!  
  
Obi-Wan: (frowns a little) hmm... you have pointy horns, lady.  
  
Kikel: Wake up! (shakes him)  
  
Obi-Wan: Oh lady, stop with the hurting! Nice lady!  
  
Kikel: Hey! I've got concert tickets!  
  
Obi-Wan: (wakes up) Huh?  
  
Kikel: I've got two tickets to Holopalooza and I want you to be my chaperone.  
  
Obi-Wan: Chaperone?  
  
Kikel: It's an excuse to go to the show!  
  
Obi-Wan: Who will be there?  
  
Kikel: Oh, everybody! The Mystic Quarren, Thunder Bunnies, Bottoms Up, Two Girls from Corellia, the Death Stix, everybody!  
  
Obi-Wan: Ooooo... When does it start?  
  
Kikel: (checks his chrono) In about fifteen minutes.  
  
Obi-Wan: Fifteen minutes? We can't make it in that time!  
  
Kikel: That sounds like a bet to me!  
  
Obi-Wan: Oh dear.  
  
~five minutes later~  
  
(Two young Jedi rush toward a taxi stop.)  
  
Obi-Wan: I've heard these tickets are harder to get a hold of than a gundark's ears. How'd you manage it?  
  
Kikel: Oh, someone didn't want them anymore.  
  
Obi-Wan: I don't think I believe that. Why would someone not want to go to Holopalooza? It's only THE greatest music festival on the planet!  
  
Kikel: No, really, she didn't want them anymore.  
  
Obi-Wan: She?  
  
Kikel: Yeah.  
  
Obi-Wan: Who?  
  
Kikel: No one important.  
  
Obi-Wan: WHO?  
  
Kikel: I'laine.  
  
Obi-Wan: I'laine Yaigen-Snaren?  
  
Kikel: Yep. The ol' Snarskie.  
  
Obi-Wan: And she happened to have two tickets to Holopalooza?  
  
Kikel: Yep.  
  
Obi-Wan: And she didn't want them?  
  
Kikel: Yep.  
  
Obi-Wan: I don't believe you.  
  
Kikel: No one does.  
  
Obi-Wan: What did you tell her?  
  
Kikel: Nothing!  
  
Obi-Wan: You had to tell her something. She's not stupid enough to give away two tickets to Holopalooza.  
  
Kikel: Three tickets.  
  
Obi-Wan: Three?!  
  
Kikel: I sold it earlier.  
  
Obi-Wan: To whom?  
  
Kikel: Some guy with a bundle of credits and a fake moustache.  
  
Obi-Wan: You took three tickets to Holopalooza from I'laine?  
  
Kikel: Awwww! (the taxi speeds off in the distance) We missed our ride!  
  
I'laine: That's probably all for the better.  
  
Kikel: (turning on the 'charm') I'laine! My dear, we were just talking about you. Funny seeing you here...  
  
Obi-Wan: 'My dear?'  
  
Kikel: (jabs him in the rib) Heh heh heh. It's so nice to see you.  
  
I'laine: Cut the crap, Manhal. You told me the concert was cancelled and took my tickets from me. The noble thing you can do is let me have two of them so I can go with one of my friends. I've got nothing against you, Obi-Wan. I was planning on inviting you anyway.  
  
Obi-Wan: (brightly) Really?  
  
Kikel: But I'laine! I told you, the concert's cancelled.  
  
Obi-Wan: What?  
  
Kikel: (makes eye contact with him) Yes, because the Death Stix rampaged, remember? And so (monotonously) THERE IS NO CONCERT TO GO TO IN FACT WE'RE NOT EVEN GOING ANYWHERE TONIGHT, RIGHT?  
  
Obi-Wan: (clearly not getting the message) No, we're going to the concert.  
  
Kikel: oy gevalt.  
  
Obi-Wan: You woke me up from my nice nap and now we're on our way and it starts in seven minutes...  
  
Kikel: shut up, ken.  
  
I'laine: I see. It was CANCELLED. Yes, I understand.  
  
Obi-Wan: You can have my ticket, I'laine.  
  
I'laine: No, I want yours, Kikel, and the third.  
  
Kikel: (innocently) Third?  
  
Obi-Wan: But he sold it.  
  
I'laine: WHAT?! You conniving, devious little ingrown toenail!  
  
Kikel: Hey, I may be conniving and devious and a toenail but I am not little!  
  
Obi-Wan: You're shorter than me.  
  
Kikel: You're older than me.  
  
Obi-Wan: By only a few months.  
  
I'laine: I can't stand the two of you. Get lost, Obi-Wan. Kikel and I need to settle this on our own.  
  
Obi-Wan: (feelings are hurt) i don't want to get lost...  
  
I'laine: Just get outta here. I'm gonna whup Kikel's ass and I don't what you getting splattered.  
  
Obi-Wan: Violence isn't the solution.  
  
I'laine: (cracks her knuckles) But sometimes it's necessary.  
  
Obi-Wan: No, no, no.  
  
I'laine: And what are you gonna do? Tell on me? Ooo, I'm so scared!  
  
Kikel: Shut up, I'laine.  
  
I'laine: Just gimme my tickets back and MAYBE I won't press charges. What you did WAS stealing, you know. And you could get kicked out of the Order for that.  
  
Obi-Wan: Me too?  
  
I'laine: What do you think, lazerbrains? Of course not! Gah, you are thick-skulled.  
  
Kikel: Leave him alone. He's not worth picking on.  
  
I'laine: Hey, just 'cause I'm a girl doesn't make me scared to beat up the both of you.  
  
Kikel: That's it! I'm leaving. I'm not going to the concert. (throws his ticket down) Go on and stoop to get it. I won't look. (walks away)  
  
Obi-Wan: (nervously hands her his ticket) Sorry. (runs to catch up with Kikel)  
  
Kikel: Cruddy bitch.  
  
Obi-Wan: Kikel!  
  
Kikel: What? That's what she is!  
  
Obi-Wan: But you took the tickets from her in the first place!  
  
Kikel: You know what she did to me?  
  
Obi-Wan: No...  
  
Kikel: You know how we spar back at the Temple?  
  
Obi-Wan: Yeah.  
  
Kikel: She's ruthless when she spars.  
  
Obi-Wan: How so?  
  
Kikel: Well, remember a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling under the weather but I decided to fight anyway? Well, instead of going light on me, she brought me down quick and hard. And then, when I was on the floor, clearly defeated, (whispers) she kicked me.  
  
Obi-Wan: Where?  
  
Kikel: ...  
  
Obi-Wan: Ohhh... Ouch.  
  
Kikel: Yeah.  
  
Obi-Wan: That's really mean. You had a fever, didn't you? And you showed admirable resilience and then she mopped the floor with your defeated carcass and then... did... THAT. She didn't even have to. (stops walking suddenly) Let's go get her!  
  
Kikel: Ken, it's not worth it-  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes it is! She has committed a crime against males in all corners of the galaxy! We must strike back!  
  
Kikel: All right, but for once, it was your idea.  
  
Obi-Wan: Let's go!  
  
(they run off, quickly catching up with I'laine)  
  
I'laine: What do you want?  
  
Obi-Wan: What wrong with you? Kicking a man... THERE?  
  
I'laine: (stares at them for a moment) Pardon?  
  
Obi-Wan: You and he were sparring-  
  
I'laine: Oooh, yes, we were sparring all right, and he's acting all sick and then pulls off that stunt!  
  
Kikel: What stunt?  
  
I'laine: You know perfectly well what I mean!  
  
Kikel: Well, actually, no I don't.  
  
I'laine: Come on, Manhal, you know everything.  
  
Kikel: No, really, I have no idea what you're talking about. All I know is that you started all this when you kicked me in the powerpacks.  
  
I'laine: Oh, it did not start there. It started when you- you-  
  
Obi-Wan and Kikel: What?  
  
I'laine: (blushing) You GRABBED me!  
  
Kikel: ...?  
  
Obi-Wan: (pointedly) But there's not much to grab, I'laine-  
  
I'laine: Shut up!  
  
Kikel: I didn't grab you.  
  
I'laine: Yes you did. We were sparring with the poles and when we wrestled a little, you grabbed me.  
  
Kikel: Did I?  
  
Obi-Wan: Did you?  
  
Kikel: No.  
  
I'laine: Yes, you did!!! And I kicked you so you'd know you hadn't gotten away with it!  
  
Kikel: I didn't mean to do that. I don't even remember. I was sick, OK? Honestly. I was expecting you'd go easy on me, but then you beat me and kicked me in the part of my body that's very special to me.  
  
I'laine: (stubbornly) You're lying.  
  
Obi-Wan: I believe him. I'm sure it was all just an honest mistake.  
  
I'laine: Well, maybe.  
  
Kikel: Really. I'm not lying. I'm sorry for what I did. Try to forgive me. Keep in mind, I wasn't aware that I had done it.  
  
I'laine: Well... fine.  
  
Obi-Wan: And I'm sorry for saying you're small. Because you're not. On the contrary, you are quite large. I mean, you're not large. But, er, you're not tiny, either. In fact, um, I think it's the shape-  
  
Kikel: Shut up, Obi-Wan.  
  
Obi-Wan: yes sir.  
  
I'laine: You know what, guys? Here, take the tickets. Go to the show.  
  
Kikel: What about you?  
  
I'laine: I'm tired. And I don't feel like it anymore.  
  
Kikel: Oh.  
  
I'laine: But, could you do one thing for me?  
  
Kikel: Sure.  
  
I'laine: You see that building over there? The respectable one?  
  
Kikel: Yes.  
  
I'laine: That's a post office where I've got some forwarded datapads. Could you pick them up for me? Thanks.  
  
Kikel: Sure.  
  
I'laine: Bye, guys.  
  
(she leaves rather quickly)  
  
Kikel: Let's go the concert!  
  
~after the concert, late that night~  
  
Obi-Wan: I'm tired.  
  
Kikel: Fine, we'll go home after we pick up I'laine's mail.  
  
Obi-Wan: Oh yeah, I'd almost forgotten about that.  
  
(they go to the respectable building and enter)  
  
Obi-Wan: It's awfully dark in here.  
  
Kikel: It smells like (he sniffs deeply) powder of some kind.  
  
Obi-Wan: Did you hear that?  
  
Kikel: Hear what?  
  
(a light flips on, casting a pink glow in the comfy-looking room There is a round lady there, dressed in very little.)  
  
Lady: Hello boys. Care for an evening of fun?  
  
Obi-Wan and Kikel: ...!  
  
Lady: You're quite young-looking to be gentlemen of the night. Well then, perhaps I can find a couple of young-looking ladies.  
  
Obi-Wan and Kikel: ...  
  
Lady: I see you are the strong silent type. I'm sure we can get a party going that'll melt you two like butter.  
  
Obi-Wan: You... do...THINGS, don't you, lady?  
  
Lady: My girls and I can do anything you want, handsome.  
  
Obi-Wan: I want to go home, Kikel. They do THINGS...  
  
Lady: Ahh, are you interested in a mother figure? I've got one who wouldn't mind tucking you in, singing you lullabies, spanking you if you're naughty.  
  
Kikel: THANK YOU, PERSON, BUT WE HAVE TO GO NOW!  
  
(other ladies enter the room and encircle the two Padawans who stand frozen to the spot)  
  
Lady#1: We don't bite, little boy...  
  
Lady#2: Hard...  
  
Obi-Wan: I'm scared, Kikel. She's touching me. Her hands are in my pockets, even in places where I don't have pockets!  
  
Kikel: (also being examined by a whore) Obi-Wan, on the count of run... RUN!  
  
(they run away)  
  
Lady#1: Enjoy the gifts we gave you!  
  
Lady#2: Come again!  
  
(they giggle)  
  
~the next day~  
  
(the Jedi Temple, Obi-Wan's quarters. He's sound asleep in bed. The sun has risen, as have most of the Jedi. Including Qui-Gon.)  
  
Qui-Gon: (shaking Obi-Wan) Wake up, Padawan.  
  
Obi-Wan: huh?  
  
Qui-Gon: Is there something you're not telling me?  
  
Obi-Wan: (pause) is this a trick question, master?  
  
Qui-Gon: No. I just want to know if there's anything you want to talk to me about.  
  
Obi-Wan: (thinks) No.  
  
Qui-Gon: Are you sure?  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes.  
  
Qui-Gon: (sighs heavily) Then there's no easy way to say this. I found the condoms, Obi-Wan.  
  
Obi-Wan: that's ni- (snaps wide awake) WHAT?!  
  
Qui-Gon: Are you having sex?  
  
Obi-Wan: No, I- Wait, condoms? Where?  
  
Qui-Gon: In your tunic pockets. Sex can wait until you're older, Padawan. Until you are an adult. You're still a child-  
  
Obi-Wan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA! I have condoms?  
  
Qui-Gon: Yes, and I don't know what to think.  
  
Obi-Wan: I didn't know I had them.  
  
Qui-Gon: I'm proud of you for using protection, but I can't believe that-  
  
Obi-Wan: I don't know where I got them, Master.  
  
Qui-Gon: You were out late last night.  
  
Obi-Wan: But I told you already, I went to the Holopalooza concert.  
  
Qui-Gon: Have you slept with anyone, Obi-Wan?  
  
Obi-Wan: No!!!  
  
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan, keep in mind that I just want you to tell the truth.  
  
Obi-Wan: I am! I just went to the concert, that's all. No... where... else... except for... that place...  
  
Qui-Gon: What place, Obi-Wan?  
  
Obi-Wan: I'laine!  
  
Qui-Gon: Who?  
  
Obi-Wan: (grits teeth) I'laine Yaigen-Snaren!  
  
Qui-Gon: Snarskie?  
  
Obi-Wan: You want to hear the truth? Well I'll let you know...  
  
~after the truth is told~  
  
Qui-Gon: Well, that's a relief.  
  
Obi-Wan: Yeah... So, who's to blame? Some one MUST be punished.  
  
Qui-Gon: No one, I think.  
  
Obi-Wan: Really?  
  
Qui-Gon: Yes. It was all a misunderstanding.  
  
Obi-Wan: But she knowingly sent us to a brothel after we'd gotten everything between us cleared up!  
  
Qui-Gon: Yes, but Kikel deserved the punishment.  
  
Obi-Wan: I didn't!  
  
Qui-Gon: Yes, that's true. She should apologize to you.  
  
Obi-Wan: She won't.  
  
Qui-Gon: Why not?  
  
Obi-Wan: She's a girl and girls are all cranky and PMSy and mean.  
  
Qui-Gon: She may change her mind in time, Obi-Wan. After all, she was upset with Kikel and not you. She was only snapping at you because you were there. Why don't you go talk to her in a while? Get everything cleared up?  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes, Master.  
  
Qui-Gon: Just keep in mind, Padawan, there is always a mature solution to any conflict. (winks) Even one involving girls.  
  
Obi-Wan: MATURE solution... right...  
  
~after everything is cleared up and a MATURE solution is reached~  
  
(Kikel is walking along a corridor toward the dining hall.)  
  
Kikel: ...tum tee tum tee tum...  
  
Obi-Wan: NOW!  
  
Kikel: ?!  
  
(Obi-Wan and I'laine leap out from their hiding places behind two statues and tackle Kikel)  
  
I'laine: You got it?  
  
Kikel: WHAT-  
  
(A rip of clothing is heard)  
  
Obi-Wan: Got it!  
  
(Obi-Wan and I'laine jump up and dash away. Kikel gets to his feet)  
  
Kikel: What was that all about?  
  
I'laine: (giggling) Nice legs, Manhal!  
  
Kikel: What? (looks down. He has no pants on.)  
  
Obi-Wan: (holds Kikel's pants up and waves them around.) Looking for these?  
  
Kikel: You- (tries to pull down his tunic to cover up his shiny purple boxers) treacherous- demonic- lump of bantha fodder!  
  
Obi-Wan: (laughing with I'laine) Just make sure Master Windu doesn't see you with those on!  
  
Kikel: Obi-Wan, have you ever been violently charged by a very pissed-off half-clothed Jedi seeking revenge?  
  
Obi-Wan: Nah.  
  
Kikel: WELL, THAT'S PRECISELY WHAT FATE HAS IN STORE FOR YOU!!!  
  
Obi-Wan: You can't do anything to me! You have no pants!  
  
Kikel: KIKEL HAS NO PANTS; KIKEL NEEDS NO PANTS!!!  
  
The End  
  
If you get the reference at the very end, you deserve a croissant. 


	4. Well, If YOU'RE So Smart...

REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED BEN(NOT LUKE)WARM  
By Vicki Vance  
So far in this collection, others have taken revenge on Kikel. Now he shall take revenge on everyone else!  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am making no profit off of this.  
Thanks to Daphne for help with the plot. Yes, you Daphne! That's you!!!  
  
  
  
(Philosophy class at the Jedi Temple)  
  
Kikel: (loudly) Not another assembly!  
  
Farrel: Yes, Mr. Manhal. You will all listen to the esteemed Master Portrenon deliver his speech on the nature of the Force and how our bodies are connected to it.  
  
Kikel: Esteemed? phft.  
  
Farrel: His views are quite eye-opening, seeing as how he has journeyed quite close to death.  
  
Kikel: Yeah, for like a millisecond!  
  
Farrel: Which is longer than you, Mr. Manhal. So, his point of view is exceedingly interesting and worth listening to.  
  
Kikel: It's worth ENDURING, you mean.  
  
Farrel: Mr. Manhal! I would expect a young man like yourself to compose himself in a more appropriate manner. May I remind him he is not an adult, contrary to what he may think?  
  
Kikel: ...  
  
Farrel: Right. Now, leave your book bags here, students. We'll head over now.  
  
Kikel: (to Obi-Wan) I HATE it when he talks in third person.  
  
Obi-Wan: Well, maybe if you kept your big mouth shut you wouldn't get into trouble all the time.  
  
Kikel: The Force blessed me with a big mouth and it was not meant to be shut! And besides, trouble is meant to get in to. Why else would it be there?  
  
Obi-Wan: Trouble is meant to kept out of.  
  
Kikel: Ken, we're Jedi. We're ALWAYS getting into trouble.  
  
Obi-Wan: Oh. Right.  
  
(General assembly room. Many Jedi have gathered.)  
  
Obi-Wan: Wow! Look at all these Jedi! I wonder, with such a crowd, if Master Protrenon is as esteemed as he is made out to be.  
  
Kikel: You're right. There ARE a lot of Jedi here.  
  
Obi-Wan: A whole lotta... lotta... a whole lotta brown.  
  
Kikel: Yeah. Reminds me of the sewer system.  
  
Obi-Wan: Kikel! These are respected Jedi! Not sewer trash!  
  
Kikel: Well, it's like one, giant, flowing mass of sh-  
  
Obi-Wan: Shshshshsh! There's Protrenon!  
  
Protrenon: (approaches a podium and looks overly grave and dramatic) Death... Death is, perhaps, the ultimate victory of the Force over the physical body. It is at this moment when the vessel is unable to sustain the spirit and the choice must be made whether to go on with the will of the Force, or to resist, and perhaps forgo any prospect of joining the afterlife peacefully.  
  
Obi-Wan: ...  
  
Kikel: hmph.  
  
Protrenon: Midi-chlorians, are important as communicators of the Force but I have recently come to believe they are not necessary-  
  
Kikel: How?  
  
Protrenon: We communicate with the Force through our spirits, young man. After all, a spirit has no physical body and therefore cannot have midi-chlorians, yet they continue to exist in the purest connection to the Force-  
  
Kikel: Wait, wait, wait. Is anybody else seeing what's wrong here?  
  
Anybody else: ...?  
  
Protrenon: Excuse me, but just who are you, young man?  
  
Kikel: I'm Kikel J. Manhal. And I believe-  
  
Protrenon: Ohhh, Kikel Manhal. I've heard of you and you're cynical views.  
  
Kikel: They're not cynical, there's sensible. I make logical statements, which you do not!  
  
Obi-Wan: are you crazy?!  
  
Protrenon: Are you aware that I am a well-respected Jedi Master with the intellectual capacity of a genius by Republic standards?  
  
Kikel: Yeah. But, there is a difference between intelligence and wisdom, and you're lacking in the latter.  
  
Protrenon: (clearly upset) And just WHAT gives you that idea, oh great Manhal sir?  
  
Kikel: Well, life cannot exist without the Force, right?  
  
Protrenon: Agreed.  
  
Kikel: Just as life cannot exist with no connection to the Force, right?  
  
Protrenon: Agreed.  
  
Kikel: And you claim midi-chlorians are useless because we can already communicate with the Force through our spirits, right?  
  
Protrenon: Yes. What is your claim, Mr. Manhal?  
  
Kikel: Well, what about the midi-chlorians themselves? Could you not say that they have their own spirit, seeing as how you continually say that our physical bodies are a hindrance to the Force and the midi-chlorians help to overcome that hindrance?  
  
Protrenon: Well...  
  
Kikel: And they bond with each other to make up our own individual spirits, so we are not one entity but really the commune of several thousand entities? After all, midi-chlorians don't die. The same midi-chlorians are with us from birth to death. This has been proved with scientific fact.  
  
Protrenon: er...  
  
Kikel: So, you see, this is why a being with little Force-ability do not appear as strong through the Force as those with great Force ability do. They shine dimmer than Jedi. This is because there is simply a larger quantity of midi-chlorians in Jedi than others. This is also why we are bound together in the Force, for we are all made of the same minuscule parts of one giant spirit. Because, after all, the Force has some degree of sentiency, correct? I mean, it IS a higher being of some kind.  
  
Protrenon: ...  
  
Farrel: Holy Force! Kikel, YOU'RE A GENIUS!  
  
~the next day~  
  
(The boys bathroom. Obi-Wan is washing his hands, whistling 'Buffalo Gals, Won't You Come Out Tonight'.)  
  
(Whistling of the same tune answers him from one of the stalls.)  
  
(He whistles back.)  
  
Kikel: Obi-Wan?  
  
Obi-Wan: Kikel?  
  
Kikel: Are you alone?  
  
(Obi-Wan turns around a complete circle)  
  
Obi-Wan: Yeah...  
  
Kikel: Come in here.  
  
Obi-Wan: uhhh...  
  
Kikel: Just get in here. Now.  
  
(Obi-Wan cautiously enter the stall. Kikel closes the door behind him.)  
  
Obi-Wan: You look sick.  
  
Kikel: I am. You know what happened yesterday?  
  
Obi-Wan: You mean after you outsmarted the most respected philosophical Jedi in the galaxy and got carted away by a Master Farrel going out of his mind with joy, calling you his 'angelic prodigy sent solely to him by the Force itself'?  
  
Kikel: Yeah.  
  
Obi-Wan: No, what happened?  
  
Kikel: He had me take a test.  
  
Obi-Wan: What test.  
  
Kikel: The Republic Standard Intelligence for Sentients Test.  
  
Obi-Wan: The ReSIST? Oh my force field! Are you okay?  
  
Kikel: No...  
  
Obi-Wan: That test is killer-  
  
Kikel: I aced it.  
  
Obi-Wan: You what?  
  
Kikel: I aced it. I am now officially a genius. And here's the kicker: my score is even higher than that of Protrenon's.  
  
Obi-Wan: Holy Force and all its midi-chlorians!  
  
Kikel: That's just what I thought.  
  
Obi-Wan: This is insane! I always knew you were smart, but a GENIUS?  
  
Kikel: I know. Now Farrel is molding me into the philosopher he never was. News has spread like wildfire through the Temple. Everyone's asking me intellectual questions and I don't want to answer them!  
  
Obi-Wan: Like what?  
  
Kikel: Oh, you know, the general stuff. If the Force is sentient, why doesn't it care for us? Why is there a Dark Side? Which came first, the mynock or the egg?  
  
Obi-Wan: Well, the mynock, of course.  
  
Kikel: No, the egg. A creature that was the pre-evolutionary definition of the mynock laid the egg and a modernly evolved mynock was hatched.  
  
Obi-Wan: You do know everything!  
  
Kikel: No I don't! I'm all... weird now.  
  
Obi-Wan: You were weird before...  
  
Kikel: But I feel different! I could hardly sleep last night, I haven't eaten anything, I'm constantly hounded by questions, and I'm talking to you in a bathroom stall!  
  
Obi-Wan: You need help.  
  
Kikel: No shit, Sherlock!  
  
Obi-Wan: Well, what are we gonna do?  
  
Kikel: I've already talked to my Master. I don't think he likes me anymore. He acts like I'm more an intellectual than fighter and I'm not! I'm just as good a fighter today as I was yesterday.  
  
Obi-Wan: Why don't we talk to Yoda?  
  
Kikel: No! He'll want to have a conversation about the meaning of existence with me.  
  
Obi-Wan: Well, how about my Master? He'll understand.  
  
Kikel: Well, okay, I guess. Your Master is sort of a softy, come to think of it. He's good with all the emotional junk.  
  
Obi-Wan: What?! My Master can whup your Master any day!  
  
Kikel: Nuh-uh! My Master once fought six gundarks... at once!  
  
Obi-Wan: Oh yeah? Well, my Master battled sixTEEN Gammorreans at once!  
  
Kikel: Oh yeah? Well, my Master's taller.  
  
Obi-Wan: Nuh-uh! Qui-Gon's taller!  
  
Kikel: No, Brenner!  
  
Obi-Wan: No, Qui-Gon.  
  
Kikel: Brenner!  
  
Obi-Wan: Qui-Gon.  
  
Kikel: Brenner!  
  
Obi-Wan: Qui-Gon!  
  
Qui-Gon: Yes?  
  
Obi-Wan and Kikel: ...  
  
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan? Kikel? Are you in here?  
  
Kikel: No.  
  
Qui-Gon: Kikel? (opens the stall door) What are you doing in the bathroom?... Together?  
  
Kikel: Having a discussion.  
  
Qui-Gon: Really.  
  
Obi-Wan: We have them all the time.  
  
Qui-Gon: Really.  
  
Kikel: You don't believe us, do you?  
  
Qui-Gon: Not really.  
  
Obi-Wan: Master, (gets out of the stall) we have a problem. Kikel is being treated differently.  
  
Qui-Gon: And this is different how?  
  
Kikel: I didn't mean for it and I don't like it.  
  
Qui-Gon: Ahhh. So, what do you want me to do about it?  
  
Obi-Wan: We want your advice, Master.  
  
Qui-Gon: Here is my advice, Go not to the Jedi Master for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.  
  
Kikel: Who said that?  
  
Qui-Gon: I'm not sure. Someone who went by the name of Tolk... Ien... Tolk-something.  
  
Obi-Wan: So, what do we do then?  
  
Qui-Gon: Look to yourselves to figure out the answer to whatever your problem be.  
  
Kikel: Right.  
  
Qui-Gon: The first thing you need to do Kikel...  
  
Kikel: Yes?  
  
Qui-Gon: Is get out of the bathroom stall.  
  
Kikel: Gotcha. (gets out)  
  
Qui-Gon: Now go someplace quiet to think. One of the gardens, perhaps.  
  
Obi-Wan: Okay. Let's go.  
  
(They leave and go to the gardens.)  
  
Kikel: (inhaling deeply through his nose) Ahhh... This is the greatest place in the whole Temple.  
  
Obi-Wan: So serene...  
  
Kikel: So relaxing...  
  
Obi-Wan: So peaceful...  
  
Kikel: So still...  
  
Obi-Wan: So mobbed with pubescent girls goggling at you from a distance bearing datapads and other recording devices...  
  
Kikel: 'So mobbed with pubescent girls goggling at you from a distance bearing datapads and other recording devices...'?  
  
Mob of pubescent girls: Kikel?! Kikel Manhal?! We love you, Kikel!!! Give us your autograph!!! We have fan art!!!  
  
Kikel: -whimper- What do we do?  
  
Obi-Wan: Now, we run.  
  
(They run. They round a corner, slamming into Master Farrel, who drops a laminated series of documents.)  
  
Obi-Wan: Let me get that-  
  
Farrel: Kikel! Hello, son!  
  
Kikel: i'm not your son...  
  
Farrel: Look at this. (snatches the documents from Obi-Wan and hands them to Kikel)  
  
Obi-Wan: (disgruntled) You're welcome.  
  
Kikel: (reading the documents) The- the records...  
  
Farrel: Yes! The official documents that state you are a genius! (snatches it from Kikel and cradles them) See it, smell it, touch it, kiss it!  
  
Obi-Wan and Kikel: ...?!  
  
Farrel: Kikel, you are MY genius! I discovered you! You're mine and MINE ALONE! Tahahahaha!!!  
  
Obi-Wan: What do we do?  
  
Kikel: Now, we run.  
  
(They run again. They go to one of the sparring rooms. They open a very heavy door very slowly, jump inside, and close the very heavy door very slowly. As they catch their breath, they look at who's in the room with them.)  
  
Kikel: Master!  
  
Brenner: Padawan!  
  
Minanoka: Obi-Wan!  
  
Obi-Wan: Minanoka!  
  
Brenner: Obi-Wan?  
  
Obi-Wan: Obi-Wan?  
  
Kikel: Obi-Wan!  
  
Obi-Wan: What?  
  
Minanoka: Kikel?  
  
Kikel: Mononoke!  
  
Minanoka: That's Mi-na-no-ka, to you, Padawan. Are you here to spar?  
  
Brenner: He's a GENIUS now, Master Minanoka. He can't be bothered with sparring..  
  
Kikel: (turning as red as his hair) I'M NOT A BAD FIGHTER, MASTER! I'M STILL THE SAME PERSON AS I WAS YESTERDAY!!!  
  
Minanoka: It sounds as though you need some counseling, Kikel.  
  
Obi-Wan: You think?!  
  
Kikel: Let's get out of here, Ken.  
  
Obi-Wan: Sure, but, do we have to run?  
  
Kikel: Yes.  
  
Obi-Wan: (sighs) Fine.  
  
(They run a third time. They get to the lounge rooms. They are sparsely filled.)  
  
Kikel: (panting) At last, peace amid chaos.  
  
(Two girls their age, I'laine and Froinka, approach them.)  
  
I'laine: Kikel!  
  
Kikel: What do YOU want?  
  
I'laine: I have a question.  
  
(Kikel twitches.)  
  
Obi-Wan: I don't think that's a good idea, I'laine.  
  
I'laine: Does the Force travel at lightspeed or faster?  
  
Kikel: I DON'T KNOW!!!  
  
Froinka: Well, it must be faster than lightspeed because when we travel in hyperspace in starships it works anyhow.  
  
Kikel: THE FORCE HAS NO MASS, YOU STUPID KHAYBATTHA! THE LAWS OF PHYSICS DO NOT AFFECT THINGS THAT AREN'T PHYSICALLY THERE, YOU WENOKAN TRAEBAAKUN!  
  
Obi-Wan: Kikel! Naughty words.  
  
Kikel: GRENN TATH'A, CHE BOEZNA HARFTAK OBI-WAN!!!  
  
Obi-Wan: Now, now, you don't have to resort to Huttese if you want to insult me.  
  
Kikel: IT'S NOT HUTTESE! IT'S A RARE DIALECT OF UBESE, DAMMIT!!!  
  
Obi-Wan: Ahhh, Ubese.  
  
Kikel: DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW ANYTHING?!  
  
Obi-Wan, I'laine, and Froinka: No, YOU'RE the genius.  
  
Kikel: ... (sheds a tear)  
  
Obi-Wan: Kik?  
  
(Kikel walks away)  
  
Obi-Wan: (to the girls) See what you've done? Now it's up to me to make things right.  
  
(Starts to leave, but steals a glance at Froinka.)  
  
Obi-Wan: hmmm...  
  
(He catches up with Kikel on his way to the bathrooms.)  
  
Obi-Wan: Kikel?  
  
Kikel: What?  
  
Obi-Wan: Are you all right?  
  
Kikel: Is the second determined law of space-time continuum and time-travel theory that 'it is an impossibility of oneself to exist twicely in the same continuum'?  
  
Obi-Wan: uhhh... Translate that, please.  
  
Kikel: No.  
  
Obi-Wan: Ah. Can I help?  
  
Kikel: No.  
  
Obi-Wan: I want to help.  
  
Kikel: (goes into a bathroom stall) Go away.  
  
Obi-Wan: ... You know what? No. I'm not going away. I'm gonna stay here and help you.  
  
Kikel: (locks the door to his stall) You can't help me. No one can help me. Not my Master, not your Master, definitely not Farrel, not even Minanoka, my GUIDANCE COUNSELOR, for Force' sake; no one.  
  
Obi-Wan: We didn't ask Yoda.  
  
Kikel: (sarcastically) Do you think that will actually help?  
  
Obi-Wan: It might.  
  
Kikel: No it won't. If you think your Master talks in riddles, Yoda will be Qui-Gon squared. We would get more help if we asked a mentally retarded piece of dung that had just had a lobotomy.  
  
Obi-Wan: Well, I'm not going to go until we decided on what to do.  
  
(Goes into the stall next to Kikel's and locks to door.)  
  
Obi-Wan: Right, psychologically, you naturally seek attention and now you've gotten it, but it is not the fashion you please. You have received too much attention, and you've closed yourself away in an effort to cease the unwanted awareness of your intellectual capacity. You are also experiencing the feeling of when you have been looked down upon as a nuisance and then you are suddenly identified as a superior being, giving you a complex that makes you hold extreme disbelief in yourself and your own capabilities.  
  
Kikel: Wow. Ken, I didn't know you were so smart...  
  
Obi-Wan: I pay attention in class. Now, what we need to do is to get you to get attention to yourself, but it must be in a way you like. It must be planned. And if we can fix this business with everyone thinking you're more than you feel, that would be great. We must... We must... We must prove you are stupid.  
  
Kikel: How?  
  
Obi-Wan: It must be in a way in which to get notice. I think I have an idea.  
  
~The next day~  
  
(The doors to the girls' locker room.)  
  
Obi-Wan: you ready?  
  
Kikel: i'm ready.  
  
Obi-Wan: you psyched?  
  
Kikel: i'm psyched.  
  
Obi-Wan: make me proud, kikel.  
  
Kikel: will do.  
  
Obi-Wan: one, two... GO, GO, GO!!!  
  
(Kikel runs through the girls' locker room in the midst of semi-clad young ladies. Shrieks erupt.)  
  
Kikel: Watch out! Coming through. How YOU doin'? You don't need makeup, honey. Howdy, toots. Love that bra, baby!  
  
(Kikel, after getting pummeled as he runs by girls changing their clothes, runs back out to where Obi-Wan is waiting.)  
  
Obi-Wan and Kikel: Woohoo! (they do their secret victory handshake)  
  
Kikel: Quick, we gotta abandon the scene of the crime!  
  
(They proceed to abandon the scene of the crime.)  
  
Obi-Wan: So, what, or rather, WHO did you see?  
  
Kikel: Everyone! I'laine, Chrienta, Pelphet, Vernana, everyone!  
  
Obi-Wan: Did you see... Froinka?  
  
Kikel: Uh-huh.  
  
Obi-Wan: And does she really have three?  
  
Kikel: Oh yeah.  
  
Obi-Wan: Wow. And you saw them?  
  
Kikel: Yeah.  
  
Obi-Wan: Wow...  
  
(They stop at the dining hall. Some people stare at the two panting Padawans. One starts to approach Kikel)  
  
Jedi: Kikel, I have an intellectual question for you...  
  
Kikel: (grins) Ask away.  
  
Jedi: You're okay with that?  
  
(The sound of stampeding enraged girls intent on ripping Kikel apart starts to swell. Kikel grins wider and Obi-Wan joins him.)  
  
Kikel: Totally.  
  
The End 


End file.
